Slogging & Decisions

Fewer Things Accomplished

I'm surprised that I'm still suffering from "slogging." This is what I call not getting as much done on the weekend like I used to. Each weekend I make a list of things I want to accomplish like I always have, but I'm finding that at the end I only have four or five things accomplished. I used to be able to knock out eight or 10 items each weekend. Not now.

I'm getting better. I am getting slowly better. Today, I did a dreaded, scary (for me), home-repair job. It wasn't a big deal but it sat was square on top of one of my fear nerves. But I did it anyway. That's the good news. The bad news is that I didn't get much else done. I did get a pot of stew made and I vacuumed the house. I'm grateful that I was able to get done what I did.

Sari going back

I've been struggling with Sari. Three days a week I have time to be with her. But the four days a week I work, I hardly see her. And I still have to find someone to let her out for a potty break during the day.

This week I talked with some guys and now I've decided that the best thing for her and me is for her to go back to the breeders. I've talked with Charles and Erline and next Saturday I will take her back. It will be good for Sari because she will have a nice farm that she can run around in and other dogs to romp and play with. It will be good for me not to have to deal with the responsibility.

This has been a hard decision to make but I feel it is the right one. I know that I will initially be sad with her not around but I believe that I will soon be over it. Also, Erline said that Sari would not be going anywhere for a while so if I changed my mind, I could come and get her back. This is very gracious of them to offer this to me. I wasn't ready a month ago to make this decision when I first blogged about it, but now I believe it the right time.

Myrtles' Resturant

Surprise Sight

A friend of mine saw this resturant on his way to Hilton Head. I'll let you know if I find out about where it is.

He met THE Myrtles when they were here for Trudie's funeral. He was very impressed with the group. So he stopped to take this photo when he saw this. Thanks, Paul!

Is That Snow?

Surprise!

Late yesterday afternoon it started snowing. They hadn't predicted snow - I remember a mention of flurries - but maybe they did and I missed it. Well, there at 5:30 PM it started coming down. Big flakes of wet, slushy white stuff. I skipped the meeting that I had planned to attend and went straight home.

Beauty

It made everything look white and pristine the way newly-fallen snow makes it look. The landscape looked like a winter wonderland.

And then the sadness hit. I wasn't expecting snow to cause a wave of sadness but there it was. It was white and pretty and beautiful - and I couldn't share it with Trudie. I was alone and felt very alone. The beauty of it all made me miss a beauty that used to be a big part of my life but is no longer.

So I made a batch of comfort food - spaghetti. It briefly dulled the pain but it's still there. Oh well.

Sleep

I can't seem to stay asleep for more than six hours lately. I go to bed early some nights and then wake and can't go back to sleep. And then I'm nodding off in meetings. Hopefully I don't snore. :-) I guess it's time to start taking my St. John's Wort again.

The New Normal

The First "Normal" Week

The beginning of this week was tough. On both Monday and Tuesday I had many times of sadness. I wasn't sure why until I realized why.

Trudie died Thanksgiving night. Then there was a couple of weeks of funeral, etc, hub-bub. [No, that's not a techie term; I just made it up:-)] Then there was a couple of weeks of Christmas hub-bub. Then there was New Years hub-bub.

This has been the first week in which there was no hub-bub. It was a back-to-normal week.

Except, it's not normal; there's no Trudie in my life. That is why I've been sad.

The New Normal

So, while I'm mourning Trudie not being here, I'm starting to build my new-normal life.

I'm getting back involved in a number of volunteer efforts. I'm talking to people about renewing their web sites using the new content management technology. I'm excited about this technology and am just learning how it works.


I'm learning a new production team position at the church I attend. I'm learning how run the critical video switcher. It is a great opportunity and I am grateful that they are providing it as a new way to serve on Sunday morning.

I'll still be able to serve as a roaming camera operator: [see photo to the right]. I've served at this position for four years and love it.

I'm also investigating going on a mission trip this Summer. I've been on three other trips but it has been a while. I also want to go with some video projects in minds. I want to come back with some footage that will get others excited about serving on a short-term trip.

I also decided to change the photo on the blog site. This is a recent shot of my mug. While I'm not excited about how it looks, it is what it is.

So I'm settling into a new life. I still have times of sadness and I experience them and move on.

A New Year

Happy 2008!

Well it's a new year - whoopee.

I had a harder New Year's Day than Christmas. I realized that I emotionally didn't want to leave 2007. In 2007 I had Trudie. Now, in 2008, I don't. It's another reason to be sad.

I'm dealing a lot with sadness these days.

Small Group

Tonight, we are having our "goodbye" small group meeting. I'm leaving the group. I don't feel right in a group with a bunch of married couples. I'm very uncomfortable now around married couples. Trudie and I were the leaders of this small group. And, in it's own way, the group is grieving the loss of Trudie. But, I think it is time for me to leave. I'm sure that they will go on; Trudie and Patrick didn't keep the group together. But for now, it's time for me to move on.

I am starting going to a new small group environment with the new grief group at church. And I'll probably join a single mens' small group sometime soon. I've been part of small groups for the last 20+ years. I know I need men in my life to whom I can let down my mask.

A Female "Fast"

It has been suggested by more than one adviser to me to not get involved with any women for at least a year. While I can see the wisdom of this intellectually, it will be very hard for me emotionally.

When I was single before Trudie, I had many women friends. I enjoyed having platonic relationships with women friends. I gave them all up though when I committed to Trudie. She, rightfully so, wanted my complete emotional commitment. It also forced me to make better friends with the guys in my life.

So now, while my desire is to make new girl-friends, I am deciding to forgo any relationships for at least a year. This, I believe, will help me in a number of areas. 1) it will cause me to "reboot" my thinking on women. 2) it will help me develop a even closer relationship with my Lord, and 3) it will help me develop a closer relationship with myself.

So, while this female fast will be difficult, I think I will be a better person to have a relationship with at the end.